Confessions Of A Bookaholic – Guilty Pleasures Edition #68 – Sweet Valley High #62 – Who’s Who?

Ready to have some fun? For once a Sweet Valley High book that doesn’t take itself too seriously, or take anything seriously at all. This book is full of ridiculousness, schemes, aliases, catfishing, twin switches and is not short on fun or hilarity. There needs to be more Sweet Valley High books just like this! 😉

“Who’s Who?”

Sweet Valley Scale: 4.5 out of 5 Twins

Jessica Wakefield has a fabulous idea! She is bored with all the guys at Sweet Valley High, so a computer dating service seems like the perfect way to spice up her love life, especially when she invents two new sparkling personalities to help her out. Jessica becomes the sophisticated and worldly Daniella Fromage and also the wild rocker with a passion for anything hot, Magenta Galaxy. The two guys that she gets set up with seem to be exactly what Jessica wanted. With the reluctant help of her twin sister, Elizabeth, Jessica must somehow manage to juggle both of these guys. But who will finally meet her perfect match: Daniella, Magenta, or Jessica?

I have to say that this book sounded utterly preposterous, so I knew it was going to be good, and it did not disappoint! 🙂 Jessica Wakefield is sick of dating the same types of guys, and one day while she is shopping with her twin sister, Elizabeth, she sees a sign advertising a computer dating service, specializing in teens. Am I just a ruined and jaded individual or does anyone else think that sounds slightly creepy? While signing up Jessica has a wonderful idea. Instead of filling out the questionnaires honestly, she’ll fill them in to fit with the type of guys she is hoping to meet. And by guys, I mean she is filling out two. One is supposed to have Jessica being this super sophisticated and worldly young woman, named Daniella Fromage and the other is a hardcore rocker chick, named Magenta Galaxy. The names alone should say a lot of Jessica’s state of mind, but how the hell could anyone else buy into it, particularly with a name like Magenta Galaxy?

Jessica gets two responses from the dating service, one per personality. A guy named Pierre is interested in Daniella. He is from France, speaks several languages and is really into art, poetry… you know “sophisticated” stuff. Jessica knows he’ll just be super dreamy and arranges a date with him. Meanwhile a boy named Brett S, yes just “S” is into Magenta. He is tall, dark and handsome and likes his girls blonde, tall and ready to go. His response actually says as much. Jessica arranges a date with him too, and now she needs some serious, and fast schooling for both of her new aliases. She goes to Suzanne Hanlon, the bitch from SVH #27 Lovestruck, who is super snobby and old money. Jessica lays on the flattery so Suzanne will suggest giving Jessica some tips and lets her borrow a bunch of clothes and purses, all designer labels, from Europe of course. And she enlists the help of Dana Larson, lead singer for Sweet Valley High’s popular rock band, The Droids, to help her with information on the music scene and all things hip, and also borrows a lot of Dana’s funky accessories and clothes for her dates (a necklace of multi-colored neon fish that glow in the dark qualify as funky, especially when that necklace was one of the most understated pieces). Jessica is putting so much work into becoming the characters she has created, just to get these guys to like her, and I’m kind of surprised. Maybe I was just lazy, but if a guy wasn’t into me, then I would just pine from afar or find someone who appreciated my fabulousness. I never tried to become someone else – no one was ever worth that.

Jessica goes out with Pierre first. He doesn’t talk much and I don’t pretend to be all that cultured, if anything I’m from the wrong side of the tracks, due to my parents’ different (and sometimes criminal) psychoses, but this Pierre guy doesn’t seem to know what the fuck he is talking about. And when Jessica brings up something that she knows about because she “studied” for the date, he is absolutely clueless. It’s obvious he’s faking, and is not cultured and probably doesn’t even know any other language beyond English or has ever been outside of the States. But Jessica is either too busy hoping she doesn’t mess up and get found out, or too stupid, to notice.

Jessica’s date with Brett is even worse. He shows up in a car that Jessica thinks must be some sort of statement, her exact thought was, “There was something so – so tame about it, so ordinary. Then in a flash she realized it must be some kind of statement. It was so square, it was cool!” Sigh, Jessica you’re an idiot. They go to some music club and Brett seems just as clueless as Pierre was, and talks even less. But he is smart enough to make sure he has an excuse – the music in the club they’re at is so loud it’s impossible to hear anything. I also forgot to mention that Jessica uses temporary spray dye (who doesn’t remember those?) to make a royal blue streak in her hair. One more reason I think Jessica has lost her damn mind, assuming she ever had it in the first place.

Elizabeth is being sensible about the whole scheme, and telling Jess to just be herself. Jessica replies she would rather take chances than be like Elizabeth who never takes chances. She reminds Elizabeth about this gorgeous dress Elizabeth wanted at the mall for an upcoming Valentine’s Day dance, but didn’t get it because it was over budget. Elizabeth thinks Jessica might have a point. (Watch out world!) When Elizabeth helps Jessica figure out what to wear on a night out, Jessica tells Elizabeth she’ll help her buy the dress she wants. But she is going to owe Jessica. Being in debt to Jessica is like being in debt to Bruce Patman… Enough said.

Elizabeth tries to be spontaneous, which is both sad and hilarious. She writes herself a reminder to be spontaneous. Then she paints her toenails because she’s never done that before. Then she sits at a different table in the school cafeteria, but with the same person. Look out, Liz is out of control! I mock, but quite honestly I am the same way. I mean I plan not to plan things, and used to make a goal of being spontaneous, which I have since amended to just doing something fun, so I get it.

Jessica goes out with each boy again, and again it is obvious they’re both lying, and not nearly as well as Jessica is, but Jessica just thinks their uh-ohs are jokes, not realizing they just flubbed their lines. Pierre and Jessica go see this crazy French film, and I wonder if it is a real film. We don’t know the title, but it sounds absolutely bizarre and involved a bunch of people in a doctor’s office waiting room, thinking they were in purgatory, and then suddenly they were in all these other rooms and in each room a small red ball rolled across the floor, but none of them noticed. For once I agree with Jess, it doesn’t seem to make a lick of sense.

A few days later, Jessica double-books the guys and she can’t get out of it, so she calls in the favor Elizabeth owes her for the dress (told you!). Hey, if you’re an identical twin, being in two places at once is entirely possible. But Elizabeth points out she doesn’t know either guy and there isn’t time for Jessica to fill her in on all of their previous dates. So Jessica comes up with a plan. Dun, dun, dun. She gets both guys to agree to take Daniella and Magenta to this local Chinese restaurant that has two dining rooms. Elizabeth and Jessica wear these identical all black outfits but wear different jewelry, jackets and other accessories to still play the different parts. Jessica dyes part Elizabeth’s hair blue like hers, and then they use a beret to hide the blue hair, when one of them is being Daniella. Jessica decides that they’ll both go to this restaurant, sit in the separate dining rooms, and trade places every fifteen minutes. This sounds like a horrible idea – I can’t wait to see it play out!

Elizabeth starts with Pierre and thinks he is a snobby jackass. She can’t wait to switch places but after their first switch she realizes Brett is a moron (her words!) and can’t stand either one of them. Then she realizes that neither of them seem to have a clue about what they’re talking about. Pierre thinks the Riviera is in Paris, and Brett thinks “Sympathy for the Devil” is a song by The Doors (it’s by The Rolling Stones). Liz is getting fed up, but Jessica isn’t listening to her. Finally, Liz breaks and tells Pierre she thinks he’s a fake, and Jessica is mortified. When they switch again Jessica apologizes for “her” behavior, but Pierre says he should take her home. They don’t make another date. Brett keeps trying to make some sort of confession, but the switches keep interrupting his attempts. And Liz says she doesn’t want to go out with him anymore. I completely agree with Liz and this was all ridiculous, but it is kind of shitty that she spoke “as Jessica” with both of these guys and ended things.

Jessica is furious and the next day Elizabeth feels guilty so she calls boy guys and asks them over, to try and make things better. What I don’t understand is why she asks them over at the same time! They show up, and Jess is in a tight spot, and yet Elizabeth isn’t going to be one of Jessica’s characters this time, so Jessica has to handle each boy, in separate rooms, at the same time, without either of them learning of the other, and playing these two other girls. Oh my God, just writing this makes me feel exhausted. And then both boys confess that they aren’t who they say they are. Pierre’s real name is Pete and he’s just a regular guy who is really into music. Brett is really a preppy polished guy who is into art and foreign films. Each of them just wanted to meet a different kind of girl than the type they usually dated. I’m just shaking my head right now…

And then Suzanne Hanlon and Dana Larson show up to get their stuff from Jessica, who told them to drop by, thinking the charade was over. And Jessica has to keep them away from both guys. Oh my God – seriously? Jessica goes upstairs to ask for Elizabeth’s help and when she comes back down she sees Pete has hooked up with Dana and Brett has connected with Suzanne. Jessica says it’s cool and they all leave. This is probably because that morning she met a hot guy named Tony who asked her out, and he wasn’t interested in Daniella or Magenta – she was into Jessica… I’m still shaking my head.

See, wasn’t that a ball? (And not the tiny red ball from the weird ass French film.) I think this is the first Sweet Valley High book to lack any drama, any sort of seriousness. And you know what? I kind of liked it – a lot. Also, I still can’t get over the name Magenta Galaxy. Just saying…

-DMW