This may embarrass my husband (Roy), but when have I ever shied away from something uncomfortable? All right, don’t answer that. I recently read a blog post that a friend reblogged (and that I hope I successfully reblogged… it’s my first time and it’s not a wordpress blog) about what men really think of their spouses.
See, Roy always tells me that I’m beautiful and sexy, and it has left me thinking one of two things (and sometimes both). 1. What is he smoking? 2. Does he have a vision problem? I mean he isn’t a good liar and he seems completely sincere, so what else is there to think?
You see, I am not pretty. At least I don’t think so. I have scars all over my body from various surgeries or other medical mishaps. I have always been under 110 pounds, but when my kidneys failed I gained over 100 pounds within a few hours time (seriously no joke, it left me hospitalized for almost two weeks as doctors tried to get all of that fluid off, though they only got about 70 pounds off at first) leaving my skin stretched so now my face looks much fuller compared to the rest of my body that has returned to its normal size, and there are folds in my neck that were never there before, and because of my kidneys my gut will always be somewhat distended. If I wear a tight shirt and didn’t try with all my might to suck it in, I would look like a skinny person with a small baby bump, and yet I will never be pregnant. These are the things I hate how I look in the last five years. As far as things I have always hated: my nose and my teeth rank right up there. I have a very Roman nose that I got courtesy of my great-grandmother on my mother’s side – it reminds me of a witch’s hooked note without the warts. Bad genetics are also responsible for terrible teeth. I was born without a few in the back, and have a brittle bone condition that also affects teeth, which means orthodontics would not be such a great idea, even if I had the money to do something… and crooked teeth are never in style.
The person I just described is how I look. I didn’t say I was fat or go with my perception, these are facts about my appearance, and the facts that I do not like. But my husband doesn’t see any of that. He is always kissing me, touching me, saying sweet things or slapping my ass playfully. And the thing is, my husband is very handsome. Like “how the hell did I land him,” handsome, so when he compliments me and it gets to me I joke, “Not true. Remember you’re the pretty one, and I’m the smart one.”
ROY: No you’re both.
ME: You can’t be both, and the fact that you think I’m both only proves that you’re the pretty one, and I’m the smart one.
It usually ends with us agreeing to disagree. I never think my husband is laying it on thick or trying to kiss up to me, but for the longest time I have thought, “What’s wrong with him? Why doesn’t he see what I see?” Because I’m the person who is interesting or has a strong personality. Even before all the medical changes I was always the “personality person” and I was okay with this. I wasn’t hideous, but I wasn’t good looking either. In fact, back the in day before my body blew up with fluid, my two favorite things about how I looked were my hair and my legs, and that was about the only things I liked. Now courtesy of a year of chemo, my hair and I have a love/hate relationship with each other. It isn’t the same. And I no longer like my legs – I just add it to my list of yuck.
Whenever I say something about not liking how I look though, Roy gets frustrated. He either says, “STOP.” or “Don’t say that.” or “When you say things like that it hurts my feelings. You are gorgeous.”
Just like I think he needs glasses or there is something off with his perception, I sometimes wonder if he thinks I am fishing for compliments of have low self-esteem. I am not fishing, and in terms of self-esteem I think I’m all right overall. I don’t think I look good, but I do think I am smart, capable, and strong. So it’s not like I’m, “Oh my God – I suck so much at everything!”
Then the other day a friend posted a link to someone else’s blog on Facebook. It was a guy whose wife showed him a blog post she had seen, and he really liked it. He claimed that this is how men saw their wives or husbands (I try to be inclusive). And I read the blog, and thought, “Oh my God, I am so this chick.” And then I thought, “And Roy is her husband!” And it clicked.
My husband doesn’t see what’s really there, and neither do I. I see everything I want to change and they are a much bigger deal than they may appear to be to other people. And Roy, well he is “blinded by love” (hey, now I get the statement 😛 ). He loves me so he sees me as some sort of fantasy. Not that I’m complaining, because as the years drag on, I’m sure to get uglier, not prettier, so if he can see something else entirely, it’s a win/win!
*Check out the original post, it kind of blew my mind. 🙂