I usually have “Thursday” blogs done in advance. Thursday is my most popular day… but today when I tried to write something (and I have a bucket of reserve ideas) nothing clicked. And my motto is not to force something that isn’t coming, because it just means the timing is off. And I know a lot about bad timing. 😐
I don’t know why, I have had a lot of super productive days in 2015, but whether it is a culmination of crap/stuff or I am pushing myself too hard this year (I always want to be challenged) I find myself lagging behind in almost everything. I mean I am getting a lot of work done, but not as fast as I would like. Or I am busy, improving as a writer, doing things to hopefully reach my publication goal, but still all I see is the long-ass road I have yet to travel. And even practical stuff like how many words I write per day, or how many pages I read per day, or exercise… I am falling short of my expectations.
And I’m kind of tired. Not like, physically tired (well there is that sometimes) but I mean I am just blah. It’s like I’m over being go-go-go all the time, but really I’m not. People have always joked that I make the Energizer Bunny look slow. Being crazy productive and go-go-go is my default, my neutral. And being as productive as the average person is as relaxed as I get. But I know my battery is running low, too low to necessarily replenish itself on its own and so I am trying to figure out what to do, because I know I am in desperate need of some sort of recharge.
I’ve tried to take a day and focus on resting – that didn’t work and kind of drove me nuts. I am not a “sit still” or “just relax” kind of person. This can be more exasperating to me than being go-go-go. I’ve also tried stepping up my game, which sometimes works for a time, but not for an entire day and definitely not two days in a row. I’ve tried to live by a regimented schedule that I impose on myself, and I’ve tried to go by no list or deadlines, just keeping my goals for the day in mind. And I still haven’t found my stride.
I know that every first few weeks in the year can be an “adjustment” to my new goals, but I feel like this, me so far this year, is more than just that. I am so behind. I am SO BEHIND. And there are all kinds of things that I have to take care of because while I love my husband, they’re just not getting done on his watch. And he can question my methods at times, but he cannot question my results. But it’s just so much… I kind of feel the temptation to scream. And then maybe even scream because I feel tempted. (And who does that, actually screaming at nothing at all just because they feel moved to?)
I just feel sort of “not 100%” and I’m not sure why. It’s not like I haven’t felt this way before, but I have always had something to pin it on when I did. I was off because of the dialysis or the chemo or suffering some devastating personal setback, or trying to get my footing and figure out a new normal once I was in remission – I understood the reason, and I went with it. I mean understanding the “why” is liberating because you know what the problem is, if it is a problem, and if it is something you just need to ride out, then you understand that too. But I have not suffered some heavy loss and I am not on chemo or dialysis (still in remission) and I am not having a PTSD flare-up or nursing some sort of personal or professional disappointment, on even a small scale. So what the hell?
I mean is it possible just to feel like everything is “too much” and overwhelmed and exhausted and spent and all of those other things, when there isn’t some significant reason behind it? And we don’t even have kids! (Because I am sure the answer to my question is, “Yes!” when it comes to anyone who does have children, but I can’t even claim that as a reason.) So here I am, searching for either something to pin this “80% Michael” on and I’m still coming up empty.
I’ll keep looking, and I’ll reevaluate everything that has to happen that no one else will or can take care of. And I’ll reevaluate my personal goals, and maybe taper back (I really don’t want to) and I’ll keep being patient (which is real work as far as I’m concerned) with myself to see if by the end of this month, maybe I figure things out. Maybe I find an acceptable pace that I can keep up with. And hopefully I find a way to recharge my battery, so I can get shit done.
Until then, I wouldn’t mind a jumpstart… Here’s hoping.