So EXHAUSTED

“You look exhausted,” my husband tells me when he gets home from work. He said the same thing this morning, and will say it again at least seven more times before the day is through.

“I am exhausted,” I say. “That’s why I look it.” And I repeat this every single time he tells me later, though sometimes I add in, “I know!” or “It doesn’t help to keep telling me I look exhausted you know.” Or something else along those lines.

See, I really am exhausted. Like my ears have a constant whooshing sound, it’s hard to concentrate, I used to see colored spots in me line of vision and now my eyeballs just hurt. I am TIRED. And there is nothing I can do about it, because my body hates me.

I am childless and while I work fulltime, write fulltime, and take care of a household, my day starts when I say it does, which is a luxury most people do not have. And did I mention I am childless? So, I can sleep in. No one is saying I can’t. And I want to sleep in – oh how I want to sleep in! But despite my body being so tired and obviously suffering from fatigue, it refuses to sleep in!

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A Mass Exodus Of Mormons Coming To A Town Near You

Earlier this month the Church of Latter Day Saints wanted to let everyone know just how they felt about “the homosexuals”. See, there may have been some confusion on the matter. Even though Mormons renounce homosexuality officially within their church, even though excommunication is a likely reality if you’re a part of the Mormon faith and don’t want to attend a conversion camp, and even though they have funded anti-LGBT legislation like Prop 8 (which we owe them thanks for, since that got the whole Supreme Court thing rolling) that just might not be enough.

They wanted to be sure, because the in the last year their stance may have appeared (to some) to be wavering. I mean earlier this year they helped pass a Utah state law banning discrimination against LGBT people. Yes, true Christians, religious people and overall halfway decent human beings agree that discrimination is wrong, and should not be tolerated. But for them to associate themselves with such ideas… appalling! And yes, the legislation they passed had clear religious exemptions so any discrimination that could be chalked up to religious liberty – well that’s okay. Which also means the Church of Latter Day Saints is free to continue discriminating against LGBT people. I mean, do you really think they would champion legislation that would have it any other way?

And then there was the whole Kim Davis mess. I don’t want to bring her up because my God have people already paid her way too much attention, but I have to because it has to do with the other slip that landed the church on such shaky ground. A member of the second highest governing body within the church went on record, criticizing Davis. He said that public officials “are not free to apply personal convictions — religious or other — in place of the defined responsibilities of their public offices.”

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The World After Paris: It’s Time To Stop Lashing Out And To Start Being Brave

It’s still hard for me to fathom what happened in Paris last Friday. I think of all of the people who lost their lives and their loved ones that are still here, grieving them. I think of the fear that is going around. I turn and see it everywhere. And I think that it’s incredibly sad that this is the world we live in. One ruled by fear and violence. Terrorism is called terrorism because that’s the point of it – to invoke terror.

Since the Paris attacks, a lot of people have said a lot of things that show up on my social media feeds – angry things about how people (Americans) care more for France than they do Lebanon, which was attacked the day before Paris was. A lot of people are asking why we don’t react the same to Israel or other countries where this is a much more common occurrence. People are angry, hurt, some offended, and many are pointing fingers.

I am lucky that I have a lot of friends who are “good people”. Friends that are doing less finger pointing and more like, “Why is the case?” I didn’t have to do a lot of soul searching for why I was affected by France more than I was by Lebanon. My reason – sheer ignorance. I admit that I don’t watch world news or am always in the loop. In fact my loop is usually days behind (or worse). It’s not really intentional or anything – it’s just the way it is. I don’t like watching the news, and I am so busy all of the time, and usually behind on something that I usually get my news from Facebook or my husband when he comes home from work. Had I known about Lebanon I would have been just as affected. But I didn’t. Just like I know I don’t know about the daily violence and terrorist attacks in Israel, Syria and other countries.

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The High Price Of Being The Better Person (And How It Cost Me My Sister)

I have a very complicated relationship with my sister. All right, that is misleading or an understatement or just doesn’t seem 100% true. For the past three plus years I have not had a relationship with my sister. And for the decade before that, the relationship we did have was very minimal and strained. And the years before that, I was her mother. She wanted me over our mother. I fed her, read to her, I was there for her milestones, I was her safe person – not my mother.

I have written about my family before many times, including about how much I miss my sister. Nutshell version: My mother is toxic to me, so I have cut her out of my life. This was not an easy decision, but after years of extreme abuse (we’re talking knives, strangulations, daily beatings and that was the tame stuff) I had to do what was right for me. I chose me. My sister is seventeen, a minor, and my mother who is beyond controlling knows that the only way to hurt me as an adult is to use my sister as leverage. Until three years ago, I let her. It was her only leverage, but since cutting her off – I don’t even let that work anymore. Which means I haven’t seen my sister, or talked to her since June 2012. And it sucks.

For the past few months my sister has reached out to me to help her with her college admissions essays. I didn’t get my hopes up that this meant anything had changed. She needed help, and I happen to make a living helping people with college admissions essays. It’s one of my fortes. The first essay she sent me was rough because I had to actually step back and vent, blow up, rage, rant and then tackle the essay as an objective professional. Why was I so upset? Because my sister wrote about my Aunt Linda who I have written about on this blog a few times. My Aunt Linda was very special to me, and she was also the only other person in my family who was disabled. Her disabilities were physical as well as cognitive, and my family treated her terribly. Calling her retard or ignoring her when they weren’t screaming at her – and my mother was one of the worst to her.

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Dear Paris:

Sometimes there are no words, even for those who usually have far too many words. This is one of those times. I’m not going to talk about the attacks that happened in Paris yesterday, which by now everyone has surely heard about. There are more than enough news articles for that. I’m not going to give my opinion. It was a tragedy – not opinion – that’s a fact. I’m not going to place blame. I’m not going to talk about terrorism in general. I’m not going to talk about gun violence. I’m not going to focus on those who took too many lives (as I write this, there is still no final count, but it’s said to be more than 158 people) yesterday, because they do not matter. I’m not going to talk about what can be done next. I’m not going to talk about courage or love or hate or loss or fear – and I could talk about any of those things as they are all potent within these events.

paris_peace

I am not going to talk about those who lost their lives yesterday… but they are all that I will think about. As someone who is not so much religious as he is spiritual, I feel funny saying that I am sending prayers, because what do they mean? But I am sending love, light, positive vibes, healing energy and everything else I can to Paris. And to those who lost a loved one yesterday. And I do pray, or my version of prayer, for those whose lives were stolen. I wish them safe passage onto the next thing, whatever that may be. And perhaps even more, I pray for those they left behind. The ones who feel the loss and aren’t in a better place to ease that pain, or take it away.

I am thinking of Paris today. I think I will think about it for quite some time after. I am thinking of, praying for, sending love and healing energy and anything else I can to Paris, and to those who have been left behind. My heart joins the collective of hearts that are breaking; that are already broken. Taking the time to think and feel and focus less on the words. Because even these words mean nothing. For this – I have no words, except perhaps these:

Paris, je t’aime.

-DMW

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